Q: You keep emphasizing the need to slow down and create a peaceful environment at work as a way to reduce stimulation for the HSP. However, I live in the real world whereby I need to make enough money to support my wife and two children. I have to commute an hour to work and am always under a lot of pressure at work to meet quotas. I come home late every night feeling exhausted and tense. Your plan sounds nice if you can afford the luxury of not working, but that is not an option for me.

A: It sounds like you believe that you have no choice in life; that you must push yourself to work in such a pressure cooker. You may want to examine where you acquired the belief that you have to work under such austere and tense circumstances. What were the values that your parents, friends and teachers instilled in you that helped create your belief system? Is it really true that the job you have is your only option to support your family?
I had a student who worked under similar circumstances and he would tell me during each class that he couldn’t leave his job. He worked as a chef in a fancy restaurant and his high salary helped pay for his high monthly rent in San Francisco. He worked for many hours, 6 days a week under constant pressure. His intense work schedule contributed to his severe insomnia, ulcers and migraines. Each week in class he emphasized that he could not afford to quit his job since he was supporting his wife and two young children.
As he examined whether it was really true that he had to continue in the stressful job during the weekly stress management class, he came to realize that the physical and emotional deterioration the job created in his life was simply not worth it. Once he changed his consciousness and realized that he deserved a happy life, he found a lower paying, yet stress-free job in a rural location in the mountains where the housing costs were a fraction of what he had been paying. Later I heard from this student that within months of quitting his job, his insomnia, ulcers and migraines virtually disappeared. When we are aware of our mortality and the temporary nature of the body, we begin to understand the true goal of life, which is developing inner-peace.

Q: I work in a very stressful office in Chicago and a coworker at the desk next to mine is extremely noisy. I tried explaining to her that I am an HSP and she ridiculed me asking what doctor diagnosed me. She said that I was too demanding and shouldn’t let things bother me. She yells at me in her abrasive voice to get over it whenever I ask her to speak softer, stop chewing gum loudly or turn down her radio. Now I never want to tell anyone that I am an HSP.

A: There are approximately 50 millions HSPs in the United States and hundreds of millions of us throughout the world, so while we are a minority, we are a very large minority. Out of approximately 250 million non-HSPs in America you dealt with one very insensitive person. My experience has been that the vast majority of non-HSPs were empathetic when I have explained that I have a sensitive nervous system. If you had one bad experience with a rude doctor you would probably not say that you are never going to see a doctor again. Don’t let one person deter you from speaking your truth. You may want to even show your coworker the book “The Highly Sensitive Person.” However, it’s important to use discrimination as to whom you tell about your trait. You could try befriending and working out a compromise with your coworker, wearing a headset or earplugs, changing your desk, discussing the problem with your supervisor or finding another job.

Q: My husband likes to go out on weekends while I need to relax at home. He’s very action oriented and always likes to try the latest craze from rock climbing to hang gliding. I have no desire to participate in any of those weird activities on weekends. He criticizes me, telling me I’m selfish not to participate with him in his latest stunts. We end up constantly arguing and I’m afraid our marriage is doomed because there is no way I’m going go along with his frenetic need to always be stimulated and there is no way he will stay home with me.

A: I recommend that you read “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” by Elaine Aron. The author enumerates many methods to help the HSP/ non- HSP couple to create a positive relationship. I noticed you called his interests weird and you implied there is something wrong with him for his high sensation seeking desires. It sounds like both of you may be negatively judging each other and not accepting your unique differences.
The key to creating a loving relationship is compromise and acceptance. Both people at times need to push themselves to engage in activities that they inherently wouldn’t normally do. Although you mentioned that you like to relax at home, perhaps you can also enjoy going for a relaxing walk in a park or have a picnic after he finishes a stimulating activity such as rock climbing. Likewise, your husband could perhaps engage in some stimulating activities at home. Perhaps you could design some furniture that he could build. If you both compromise and come from a place of love and acceptance, the relationship can thrive.

Q: I never felt like I fit in with my family, who are all non-HSPs. Every year when I visit my relatives during the Christmas holidays, the trip becomes tortuous since I have no time to be alone. I have to share a room with my sister and there is literally nowhere for me to escape to for peace and quiet. My parent’s small house is filled with people constantly chattering away. I dread going to my parent’s house for Christmas yet I don’t want to be alone during the holidays.

A: Next year before you visit your family, it’s important for you to let them know what your needs are. If your relatives cannot provide you with a safe, quiet space, it would be better to either stay in a nearby motel or invite your family to visit you whereby you can decide the parameters of the interaction. While it’s true that you can’t dictate how your parents should run their household, you have a right to request what you need for your sensitivity. If your relatives won’t accommodate your special needs as an HSP or if you can’t stay in a nearby motel, you have to ask yourself if it is worth the emotional strain to stay in such an inhospitable environment. Perhaps you can create a new, more enjoyable Christmas celebration with friends.

Q: I become extremely agitated when I closely follow the news and have nightmares about terrorist attacks. However, I can’t seem to stop keeping up with world events even though it seems to make me feel anxious. I find myself throughout the day either reading the newspaper, watching CNN, listening to talk radio or surfing the Internet for the latest breaking news.

A: I have twelve words that will help you: Turn off the media; turn off the media; turn off the media! No matter how much you want to change, negative environmental influences will permeate and influence your consciousness. Unfortunately, when you are out of balance, you crave the things that will make you more out of balance. Just as an alcoholic has difficulty abstaining from drinking if s/he spends time in a bar, you cannot be calm when you immerse yourself in the negative news media. Your media addiction could be as emotionally destructive to you as alcohol is for the alcoholic. You could benefit from the support of individual or group counseling.
I’m not suggesting that HSPs shouldn’t be informed about world events. Spending five or ten minutes each day checking the headlines is fine as long as it doesn’t negatively affect you. However, when following negative news reports creates anxiety or depression, it’s time to turn it off. Remember to ask yourself when you’re watching the murderer of the day on television, would you invite him into your home if he knocked on the door? Absolutely not! So please don’t invite assassins into your home via the media.

Q: I become extremely anxious whenever I have to go for a blood test. Many years ago I fainted and am afraid that I will pass out when I get a blood test. Just the thought of someone sticking a needle into my arm and taking out blood can make me break out in a cold sweat. I have always over-reacted to needles since I was a child. What makes this worse is that I am a male, and men are supposed to be tough, so I become extremely embarrassed and ashamed of my weakness. I avoid going for blood tests and to doctors even though I know I need a physical exam. What can help me?

A: First of all, you’re not alone in feeling anxious or faint when going for a blood test or an injection. Many HSPs have a difficult time with doctor visits and laboratory procedures. The hospital and medical environment is quite emotionally challenging for the HSP.
When you have to go for a blood test tell the phlebotomist that you tend to become faint and need to lie down or rest in a reclining chair. You can explain to the lab technician that you are an HSP and you would greatly appreciate their compassion and understanding. Also, never watch when the lab technician is drawing blood or when you receive an injection. It can also help to engage the phlebotomist in a conversation to take your mind off the procedure. By the time you’ve finished talking, the lab procedure will have been completed.
Before leaving home you can take an herbal formula or allopathic medication to reduce your anxiety. If you are taking a fasting blood test, bring a piece of fruit to eat after the test to increase your energy and blood sugar level. Finally, do not rush out of the lab, which can create anxiety. Rest for a few minutes with your eyes closed meditating or planning your day. When you feel centered slowly get up and leave the lab.
By the way, real men and real women sometimes faint. There’s nothing wrong with you, just with people who perpetuate false judgments that men aren’t supposed to faint Just think, there probably would be an end to war if there were more men who fainted at the sight of blood!

Q: Noisy people at restaurants really upset me. I pay good money for a nice meal and then frequently have to listen to a stranger’s personal discussion, which ruins the dining experience for me. I can’t stand people who speak in a loud, abrasive voice. Nowadays, even when customers are dining alone, they are often shouting into their cell phone. In addition many restaurants have music that is so loud you can hardly hear your dining partner. Also, I hate it when dining out during the summer and a freezing air conditioner is blowing on me.

A: Some restaurant reviewers now rate the noise level of restaurants. Choose a restaurant that you know is generally quiet and try to sit at a table away from noisy people. When you are deeply engaged in a discussion with your dining partner, you won’t notice the conversations of other customers as much. Try to eat out before or after the peak lunch or dinner crowd. You can always ask the manager to change your seat, turn down the music or the air conditioning. It may be less disturbing for you to get the food to go and savor the delicious repast in the sanctity and solitude of your own dining room.
Many years ago I wrote a restaurant guide and dined at over three hundred restaurants. I noticed that the managers really listened to the feedback from their customers and tried to please their patrons so don’t hesitate to ask the manager to help create a pleasant dining experience.

Q: It seems that you emphasize the need to meditate to feel serene, yet it’s difficult for me to sit still with my eyes closed. My body becomes very antsy and I have to move around. My mind is constantly jumping all over the place. I feel hopeless that I can’t implement this important technique to calm myself down. What should I do?

A: First of all, if it’s difficult for you to meditate don’t feel guilty about it. You may want to do some form of gentle exercise prior to meditating such as yoga or going for a walk. Hatha yoga was created to calm the body and mind to help you easily enter into a deep state of meditation. You may want to take a hatha yoga class and then try meditating at the end of the class.
If you are still experiencing difficulties relaxing in meditation, you can listen to a meditation tape so that you are being guided into a quiet space. It may be easier for you to just spend a few moments every hour taking a few slow deep breaths as you let your muscles relax deeper and deeper with each exhalation. You can also try a walking meditation repeating, “I am calm or I am peaceful” with each footfall. You may want to alternate your sitting and walking meditation. Even if your mind is jumping like a monkey from branch to branch, you are still receiving many physical, emotional and spiritual benefits by even briefly disengaging from the over-stimulating world.

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